The D&D Diaper Bag

Since recently becoming the father of a rather large and excellent baby boy, I have not had much time to write D&D stuff. Or play D&D. Or play anything aside from "wipe the butt". The first weeks were not easy and took a lot of adjustment. And since I was doing a lot of sitting in a dark nursery burping a newborn trying to figure out how to cope, it wasn't a real surprise when I started to wonder how people in a D&D setting would do things in my position. Thusly, I present to you the fruits of my sleep-deprived brain:

The contents of (the dreaded) D&D DIAPER BAG!!!!!!!!!!!!!

• Diapers (of Holding)
  
  Not so much absorbent as they are simply incredibly roomy, these should be changed at least daily lest the baby be tipped in an unfortunate direction rendering one's residence a good likeness of the Augean Stables.
  
  Much like the difference between brands of disposable diapers, Diapers of Disintegration may also be purchased for a premium. Parents who can afford these are reportedly considerably happier.
  


• Scroll - Sleep
  
  As many of these are purchased as one can afford, and they are used on both baby and parents alike.
  
  At least until the FDA (Fantasy Drug Administration) determines whether Sleep spells are habit-forming or have harmful developmental effects on infants. (But they'll just turn around and decide something different two years later anyway.)


• Scroll - Unseen Servant
  
  Perfect for when kobolds attack, you specialize in the two-handed sword, and you really need someone to burp the baby.
  


• Scroll - Silence, 10' Radius
  
  Almost as much of a staple as the Sleep spell, this lowers the DC of successfully letting your baby cry himself to sleep by 25. It also temporarily eases the heavy INT,WIS, and Diplomacy penalties on both exhausted parents resulting from bouts of incessant screaming.
  


• Breast Milk Golem
  
  Available only to the very wealthy, this golem has magnificent breasts that lactate upon utterance of a command word. Shrinks to pocket sized when not in use. Tirelessly feeds and burps babies through the night, allowing the parents to sleep. Frequently kept even after children are weaned by adventurers who are single fathers for "sentimental" reasons, though their full functionality is not typically utilized at this point.
  
  Also, I just wanted to say "Breast Milk Golem".
  


• Cloak of Invisibility
  
  Advanced Peek-A-Boo. 'Nuff Said.

DEAR FRIEND...

My friend Floyd at work has a wife named Tara. She's a stay at home mom, and apparently has a great deal of time on her hands because one of her favorite things to do is to send prank responses to Nigerian email scammers. Every week or so, Floyd comes in with a new story about something completely ridiculous Tara has sent to some poor bastard in a third world country attempting to relieve them of all their money.

Recently, Tara got really sick. And so it was that my sleep-deprived brain concocted a fitting get well card for her to try to make her feel better:

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DEAR FRIEND,

I AM A HIGH PRIEST OF ODIN, THE ALL-FATHER. AS YOU KNOW, THE ALL-FATHER IS VERY DISPLEASED WITH THE DIRECTION THE SONS OF MIDGARD HAVE BEEN TAKING. THERE HAVE BEEN AN UNUSUAL NUMBER OF PEOPLE ARRIVING AT HEL'S DOORSTEP, NEVER HAVING EVEN ENGAGED IN COMBAT WITH THE ENEMY, AND THUSLY COMPLETELY DEVOID OF HONOR AND UNWORTHY TO ENTER VALHALLA. I WRITE THIS TO YOU BECAUSE I AM CERTAIN OF SEVERAL THINGS ABOUT YOU. ONE IS THAT YOU ARE YET UNWORTHY AS WELL AND THIS BOTHERS YOU AS IT WOULD ANY SON OF THE ALL-FATHER. TWO IS THAT YOU, AS A TRUE SON OF THE ALL-FATHER, COULD NEVER ALLOW THE SONS OF MIDGARD TO LANGUISH IN HEL'S FROZEN WASTES FOR ETERNITY.

I COME TO YOU AT THE TURN OF THE TIDE WITH AN OFFER OF FRIENDSHIP AND REDEMPTION. AT THE BASE OF THE TREE OF YGGDRASIL, WE BEGAN CONSTRUCTION OF A GLORIOUS SCHOOL OF BATTLE SO THAT THE SONS OF MIDGARD MIGHT LEARN THE WAYS OF HONORABLE COMBAT AND FIND THEIR WAY TO GLORIOUS VALHALLA WHERE THEY WILL AWAIT GLORIOUS SERVICE TO THE ALL-FATHER DURING RAGNAROK AGAINST THE LOATHSOME VANIR. DAILY THEY WILL ENGAGE IN HONORABLE COMBAT ON THE PLAINS OF ASGARD, PICK UP THEIR SEVERED LIMBS, AND REATTACH THEM BEFORE THE FEAST OF WARRIORS. IT IS THE BEST LIFE FOR A SON OF ODIN. AND NOW YOU CAN HELP.

OUR RECORDS INDICATE THAT YOU ARE CURRENTLY INFIRM AND WOULD NOT BE A SUITABLE CANDIDATE FOR THE BATTLE AGAINST THE FROST-GIANTS. HOWEVER THERE IS STILL SOMETHING YOU CAN DO, AND THE FATE OF MIDGARD DEPENDS ON YOUR COOPERATION SO IN ODIN'S NAME I BEG YOU TO CONSIDER MY WORDS CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU MAKE A DECISION. DURING THE CONSTRUCTION OF THE ALL-FATHER'S SCHOOL OF BATTLE, A GROUP OF TROLLS CALLING THEMSELVES THE "POLICE" (AGENTS OF LOKI THE TRICKSTER, NO DOUBT!) CAPTURED MANY OF OUR CONSTRUCTION WORKERS AND THROUGH VILE SORCERY WE ARE NO LONGER ABLE TO ACCESS OUR BANK ACCOUNTS.

I HAVE PRAYED FIERCELY TO ODIN EVERY FOURTEEN MINUTES FOR GUIDANCE AND ON THE SEVENTEENTH NIGHT I RECEIVED A VISION OF ODIN RIDING ACROSS THE RAINBOW BRIDGE BIFROST ON HIS 7 LEGGED HORSE SLEIPNR. AS THE ALL-FATHER STREAKED PAST MY UNWORTHY FORM AS SPEEDS NO MORTAL COULD COMPREHEND, HE BELLOWED YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS TO ME IN THE VOICE OF TEN THOUSAND LIONS. IN THIS VISION THE ALL-FATHER ALSO TOLD ME THAT YOU (AND YOUR SIXTEEN MILLION AMERICAN DOLLARS) WOULD BE MIDGARD'S LAST HOPE.

PLEASE RESPOND AS SOON AS YOU CAN AS THE FATE OF ALL MIDGARD RESTS UPON YOUR SHOULDERS. WE WILL DISCUSS THE TERMS OF THIS TRANSACTION, WHICH I AM CERTAIN YOU WILL FIND FAVORABLE AS I HAVE GREAT FAITH IN THE ALL-FATHER'S GRATITUDE AND YOU MAY YET FIND YOURSELF AT THE FEASTING TABLE IN GLORIOUS VALHALLA. I HOPE THE COMING DAYS FIND YOU IN GOOD HEALTH, FOR YOU ARE OF COURSE WELCOME TO ATTEND OUR SCHOOL OF BATTLE (WHICH WILL BE NAMED AFTER YOU) FREE OF CHARGE.

YOURS IN ODIN,

GRISHNAK BUTTERFANG
HIGH PRIEST OF THE ALMIGHTY ALL-FATHER ODIN
HEADMASTER OF THE TARA <name omitted> SCHOOL OF BATTLE REDEMPTION

P.S. GET WELL SOON!!!

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Not exactly D&D today, per se, but I hope you all enjoyed it anyway. I really didn't think this was all that weird but Dante is apparently convinced that I've been drinking paint thinner. It's not paint thinner, I have a 1 month old and I haven't been getting much sleep. Same effect, I guess!

Anyway, I hope you feel better soon, Tara.

Funny->Story...

Our good buddy Phil over at ChattyDM.net posted this great story about how a joke essentially helped shape the story, with the players essentially driving the whole production. This whole tale reminds me of so many memorable moments from our campaigns... I believe that it speaks to what makes roleplaying fundamentally great.

What's funny to you is often funny to everyone else.

People like participating in events that other people value, and funny events are no exception to this rule. If the initial notion of (in this case) a Microwave Ogre gets a laugh around the table, there is usually one or two people within the group that naturally want to carry on that shared experience by perpetuating the joke or heightening it in some way.

In my experience, it usually takes a "plot focused" person at the table in order for that gag to make the leap into campaign material. It usually manifests by the straight man (or woman) saying something to the effect of: "Hey... will any of the townspeople listen if I start telling the story of the Microwave Ogre?" then the bard of the group offers to make a supporting Perform check to influence the crowd.

Behold, shaping of the plot has begun, and that is awesome.

Support this stuff, people!!

Too often, a serious DM will attempt to squash this irreverent behavior. I am usually thrilled when things like this happen because a.) fun stuff rules and b.) I don't have to write stuff the players come up with on their own!

Maybe I should change my handle to Dante, The Lazy DM...

"I'm Missing the Chili Cook-Off!"

One of my all-time favorite Simpson's episodes, "El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Jomer (The Mysterious Voyage of Our Homer)", was on recently. Watching Homer crazed out on the Merciless Peppers of Quetzaltenango reminded me of some of those crazy times in a campaign when you're not sure what to do, but you're sure it's not what you actually are doing.

"To Make Yourself Complete, You Must Find Your Soulmate"

Sometimes it feels as if the DM has set a seemingly simple but deceptively difficult quest, like Homer's quest to find his soulmate. And often times, we feel unequipped to complete our quest once we learn the true depth of it.

As we embark on this quest, the DM may provide a spirit guide, like Homer's Space Coyote. It might not be a guide, per se, but some sort of help: a rumor, a prophecy, a random bit of knowledge. So while the quest may seem difficult, at least we have a bread crumb trail to get started.

"This Is Just Your Memory, I Can't Give You Any New Information"

The biggest obstacle to be overcome in these types of quests is the Great Doubt. This is the time when you're sure you've missed something, and you don't know what, but you refuse to move forward until you figure out the "missing piece."

There are two reasons I feel this is the biggest obstacle. First, it is easy to be blinded from that missing piece because you are focused on what you already know. For instance, we recently were quested to save the world, and we had figured out that meant we had to overcome the evil goddess. It wasn't until much later that we realized (via a Bardic Knowledge check) that the goddess could be killed through a specific ritual. All along, we had known that we had to stop her, but we hadn't thought specifically about how that could be accomplished. By sitting down and discussing the goal as a group, you're more likely to figure out that missing bit of information and overcome this obstacle.

The second reason this can be a big obstacle is much more devious; sometimes there isn't a missing piece to be found. This is a difficult situation because of the mental agony associated with it. You don't know what to do, and you don't know how to figure out what to do. You've interviewed everyone you can find, you've researched every old tome in every library you can find, you've even tried consulting with the gods. And now you're stuck... because there's no new information to find... there is no "missing piece." Well, that's the devious part: this piece isn't missing, it's misplaced. The DM is being devious and wanting you to piece together all the obscure bits of information from back to the beginning of the campaign into some coherent, usable body of knowledge. To overcome this particular obstacle, make friends with the historian in the group and review everything that has happened to you since you all met in that tavern.

"The Mind Is Always Chattering Away With A Thousand Thoughts At Once"

To succeed in your quest, you have to overcome the Great Doubt. You have to calm your mind and divorce yourself from the emotional entanglement that comes with your quest. You'll successfully reach the end of your quest if you take a few minutes of quiet reflection on your goal, and lay off the insanity peppers.

Of Castles and Keeps...

I began conceiving this post as a means to discuss the different living arrangements that your characters can undertake throughout the course of a campaign. Our campaigns have varied from purely nomadic "going where the action is" style living arrangements all the way to having a "home base" city where our characters would return to in between episodes.

This got me thinking about taverns, castles, keeps, and the like... and unfortunately I couldn't come up with something interesting to discuss relative to D&D or roleplaying.

So instead, its time for a confession.

I've always wanted to live in a castle. Ever since I was adult enough to have to contemplate home-ownership, this desire has existed. I've even gone so far as to research floor plans, building techniques, and actual ways to make this dream into a reality.

Interestingly, I'm not the only one that has this desire. In fact, a couple of SCA enthusiasts put up a website detailing the construction of their residential castle, from digging of the foundation all the way to the day they moved in. I have to appreciate their dedication to their dream and actually hatching it into reality, I hope someday that SR and I will be able to follow suit.

Strangely, I can honestly say that all of this doesn't come from the part of my being that enjoys roleplaying. For a long while, I wanted to be an architect and I have a great appreciation for interesting architecture, and I think that this drives this passion more than wanting to pretend in some recess of my brain that I am some duke or lord ruling over his land.

The couple that I linked above are into the SCA, and for that reason desired some level of historical period accuracy. That doesn't necessarily trip my trigger, as I have found from a few other hobbies that detail oriented things quickly pass into the "not fun" category. I just want something that looks and feels like a castle, but has as many of the amenities of a finished modern day home.

I suppose I should relate this in some way to roleplaying.

About the only thing that I can do to relate this whole post to any type of roleplaying is this: embrace the things that motivate you creatively. If that's wanting to live in a modern-day castle, or dressing up and attending a SCA event, or roleplaying or LARPing... go for it. Don't be ashamed of it, don't let criticism or naysayers dampen your spirits. From a roleplaying/campaign perspective, try something that falls in line with your creative passion and you may find a fertile ground for new and exciting material.

Just go for it!