DEAR FRIEND...

My friend Floyd at work has a wife named Tara. She's a stay at home mom, and apparently has a great deal of time on her hands because one of her favorite things to do is to send prank responses to Nigerian email scammers. Every week or so, Floyd comes in with a new story about something completely ridiculous Tara has sent to some poor bastard in a third world country attempting to relieve them of all their money.

Recently, Tara got really sick. And so it was that my sleep-deprived brain concocted a fitting get well card for her to try to make her feel better:

-----------

DEAR FRIEND,

I AM A HIGH PRIEST OF ODIN, THE ALL-FATHER. AS YOU KNOW, THE ALL-FATHER IS VERY DISPLEASED WITH THE DIRECTION THE SONS OF MIDGARD HAVE BEEN TAKING. THERE HAVE BEEN AN UNUSUAL NUMBER OF PEOPLE ARRIVING AT HEL'S DOORSTEP, NEVER HAVING EVEN ENGAGED IN COMBAT WITH THE ENEMY, AND THUSLY COMPLETELY DEVOID OF HONOR AND UNWORTHY TO ENTER VALHALLA. I WRITE THIS TO YOU BECAUSE I AM CERTAIN OF SEVERAL THINGS ABOUT YOU. ONE IS THAT YOU ARE YET UNWORTHY AS WELL AND THIS BOTHERS YOU AS IT WOULD ANY SON OF THE ALL-FATHER. TWO IS THAT YOU, AS A TRUE SON OF THE ALL-FATHER, COULD NEVER ALLOW THE SONS OF MIDGARD TO LANGUISH IN HEL'S FROZEN WASTES FOR ETERNITY.

I COME TO YOU AT THE TURN OF THE TIDE WITH AN OFFER OF FRIENDSHIP AND REDEMPTION. AT THE BASE OF THE TREE OF YGGDRASIL, WE BEGAN CONSTRUCTION OF A GLORIOUS SCHOOL OF BATTLE SO THAT THE SONS OF MIDGARD MIGHT LEARN THE WAYS OF HONORABLE COMBAT AND FIND THEIR WAY TO GLORIOUS VALHALLA WHERE THEY WILL AWAIT GLORIOUS SERVICE TO THE ALL-FATHER DURING RAGNAROK AGAINST THE LOATHSOME VANIR. DAILY THEY WILL ENGAGE IN HONORABLE COMBAT ON THE PLAINS OF ASGARD, PICK UP THEIR SEVERED LIMBS, AND REATTACH THEM BEFORE THE FEAST OF WARRIORS. IT IS THE BEST LIFE FOR A SON OF ODIN. AND NOW YOU CAN HELP.

OUR RECORDS INDICATE THAT YOU ARE CURRENTLY INFIRM AND WOULD NOT BE A SUITABLE CANDIDATE FOR THE BATTLE AGAINST THE FROST-GIANTS. HOWEVER THERE IS STILL SOMETHING YOU CAN DO, AND THE FATE OF MIDGARD DEPENDS ON YOUR COOPERATION SO IN ODIN'S NAME I BEG YOU TO CONSIDER MY WORDS CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU MAKE A DECISION. DURING THE CONSTRUCTION OF THE ALL-FATHER'S SCHOOL OF BATTLE, A GROUP OF TROLLS CALLING THEMSELVES THE "POLICE" (AGENTS OF LOKI THE TRICKSTER, NO DOUBT!) CAPTURED MANY OF OUR CONSTRUCTION WORKERS AND THROUGH VILE SORCERY WE ARE NO LONGER ABLE TO ACCESS OUR BANK ACCOUNTS.

I HAVE PRAYED FIERCELY TO ODIN EVERY FOURTEEN MINUTES FOR GUIDANCE AND ON THE SEVENTEENTH NIGHT I RECEIVED A VISION OF ODIN RIDING ACROSS THE RAINBOW BRIDGE BIFROST ON HIS 7 LEGGED HORSE SLEIPNR. AS THE ALL-FATHER STREAKED PAST MY UNWORTHY FORM AS SPEEDS NO MORTAL COULD COMPREHEND, HE BELLOWED YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS TO ME IN THE VOICE OF TEN THOUSAND LIONS. IN THIS VISION THE ALL-FATHER ALSO TOLD ME THAT YOU (AND YOUR SIXTEEN MILLION AMERICAN DOLLARS) WOULD BE MIDGARD'S LAST HOPE.

PLEASE RESPOND AS SOON AS YOU CAN AS THE FATE OF ALL MIDGARD RESTS UPON YOUR SHOULDERS. WE WILL DISCUSS THE TERMS OF THIS TRANSACTION, WHICH I AM CERTAIN YOU WILL FIND FAVORABLE AS I HAVE GREAT FAITH IN THE ALL-FATHER'S GRATITUDE AND YOU MAY YET FIND YOURSELF AT THE FEASTING TABLE IN GLORIOUS VALHALLA. I HOPE THE COMING DAYS FIND YOU IN GOOD HEALTH, FOR YOU ARE OF COURSE WELCOME TO ATTEND OUR SCHOOL OF BATTLE (WHICH WILL BE NAMED AFTER YOU) FREE OF CHARGE.

YOURS IN ODIN,

GRISHNAK BUTTERFANG
HIGH PRIEST OF THE ALMIGHTY ALL-FATHER ODIN
HEADMASTER OF THE TARA <name omitted> SCHOOL OF BATTLE REDEMPTION

P.S. GET WELL SOON!!!

----------

Not exactly D&D today, per se, but I hope you all enjoyed it anyway. I really didn't think this was all that weird but Dante is apparently convinced that I've been drinking paint thinner. It's not paint thinner, I have a 1 month old and I haven't been getting much sleep. Same effect, I guess!

Anyway, I hope you feel better soon, Tara.